Dad's Corner: Laying Down Some Ground Rules

A daughter can be a father's worst nightmare.  However, I have a plan.  What follows is a rough draft of a contract between me and my future daughter Chicquita (we're still working on names).  The trick is that it stipulates her implied consent by the act of her being born.  So, fingers crossed, if all goes well and she arrives safe and sound, she is agreeing to these rules:

1.  No dating until you are 16.  At that point you are allowed to call a boy once per week while the phone line is monitored by me.  At 18 you can see said boy from a distance of 100 yards (you're young and have good eyesight, it'll be like he's right next to you).  At 20 you can sit next to said boy at a movie of my choosing.

2.  Said boy in rule 1 will be hand picked by me.  Clarification: hand picked means I pick him up with my hand and toss him out if he tries any funny business.  Clarification:  funny business is anything.  Anything at all including breathing your air.

3.  Certain clothing items are prohibited.  The following is not a complete list: no bikinis, skirts, skorts, tight jeans, short shorts, medium shorts, capris (I just don't like them), belly shirts, tank tops, or anything with writing across your derriere.  This leaves a multitude of choices: sweatpants, sweatshirts, sweaters, and mom jeans to name a few.

4.  There is no such thing as a nice boy.  They are all evil and should be avoided.

5.  No batting your eyes at me when asking for things.  It is considered cruel and unusual punishmet and is prohibited under the Constitution.

6.  Tattoos are a funny thing.  Get one and I will disown you.  Funny, isn't it?

That's what I've got so far.  I have a few months to iron out the details.  Dads out there, do you have other rules to suggest?

Speaking of names (can you say that if what you're "speaking" of was mentioned paragraphs ago?  How about if you're not actually speaking?  Maybe it depends on how fast you're reading this).  We will begin accepting name suggestions.  Leave them in the comments here, on Facebook, or email either one of us and we will post them along the right side like last time.  Start sending suggestions!